i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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