And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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