Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
