Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
