Are we in a gay sports bar?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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