Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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