your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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