Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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