How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I currently don't understand fingers.
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