NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
