i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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