some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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