I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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