If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
