he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
