I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
she peed on how many people?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
