Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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