I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
