do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
