Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
