What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
