just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
