meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
