Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
