Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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