I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
