We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
