2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
