If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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