woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
