Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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