Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
