I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
