that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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