Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
