i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize