So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
