I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
