I am spending my child support on dildos
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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