I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
