it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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