it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
