It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia