DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted