Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
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Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
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I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT