I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
