my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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