Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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