Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
