You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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