kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
