Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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