I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
