She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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