My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
