There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
