I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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