If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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