More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
His hands were made for my vagina.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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